The Bernstein Family Christmas Spectacular at The Magnetic Theatre

It is the end of an era in Asheville theater. After 10 years, The Bernstein Family Christmas Spectacular — that boozy, bawdy, hilariously garish confection spawned by The Magnetic Theatre in 2010 — is coming to a close. 2019 will be the final year (for now) of Bernstein, which is just as frantically funny and manically entertaining as I had been led to believe.

I myself was a Bernstein virgin, but on opening night it was displayed, by a show of hands, how many years audience members had attended. Indeed, hands raised denoting a first-time viewer, such as my own, were rare. Some hands went up for three years, some for five, some seven. And one completist couple, sitting in the first row, had attended every one of the last decade of Christmas Spectaculars. 

Clearly, Bernstein has become as much a part of the holidays in Western North Carolina as the Biltmore Estate Christmas decorations or the sketchy Christmas tree “farm” on Patton Avenue. And for good reason. This vaudeville-style sketch show, featuring bawdy ballads like “Silver Balls” and held together with a loose plot involving an inter-dimensional bong, is deliriously entertaining.

I have never felt so much energy in a performing arts space. The audience’s love and enthusiasm for these characters was so deeply felt, and was reflected back by the performers. Every person, on-stage and off, was having a great time, and the crackling energy and humor that resulted was an unblemished joy to be a part of.

Director Lucia Del Vecchio — who also wrote the show with Jim Julien, Peter Lundblad, and Genevieve Packer — structures the Spectacular like a cabaret. Each scene is its own self-contained vignette, with its own song and central performer. About every other scene is a continuation of the larger story, which involves stoner Jimbo Bernstein on a trans-dimensional adventure by way of a magical, Christmas-lights-bedecked bong. 

Most of the songs are Weird Al-style send-ups of beloved standards like “The Cell Block Tango” and “The 12 Days of Christmas.” The songs are enlivened by solid choreography by Elizabeth Evans, who also designs the gaudy, glittering costumes. 

The five members of the family Bernstein, who, we are told, converted to Judaism purely for the ancillary show business benefits, are well-known to most audience members but were freshly funny to me.

Justin Bernstein (Darren Marshall) is the big-bellied patriarch of the family who ends up in the skimpiest costumes of the show, including several Speedos and a diaper. His wife, Judy (Tracey Johnston-Crum), is a joyful alcoholic who enjoys spreading cheer almost as much as her beloved vodka.

Son Jimbo (Glenn Reed) is a gay pothead who spearheads the central narrative by mistakenly ordering an inter-dimensional bong off of Amazon. He is married to Joaquin (Erik Moellering), a ruffle-shirted diva who channels Agador Spartacus from The Birdcage.

Sarah Felmet plays Jezebel Bernstein, a fluffy wit who mixes smoothness with butch-ness to create a deliciously funny combination. Of course, all five Bernsteins play multiple characters, from Mrs. Claus to Krampus to Bob Fosse dancers. It’s pure holiday joy to see the actors mix it up and play wildly different characters while singing, dancing, and occasionally puppeteering, too.

Like a long-lived Yule log that is finally burning down to ash, it’s difficult to watch the Bernstein Family Christmas Spectacular coming to an end. But like the holidays itself, it’s probably fitting that such a show is ephemeral. That quality makes it all the more precious, but also means that you must buy your tickets now for the final, frantic, funny-as-hell year of Bernstein. And save some money for the refreshment stand. This is one definitely best enjoyed with one (or more) glasses of wine.

The 10th Annual Bernstein Family Christmas Spectacular runs through December 21 at The Magnetic Theatre. For details and tickets, visit themagnetictheatre.com.

(Photo by Tempus Fugit Design)