Santa Claus Conquers the Martians at Attic Salt Theatre Co.

I missed the Thanksgiving Day marathon of Mystery Science Theater 3000 this year, but for a time during the late 1990s, that never would have been the case. That is the circumstance under which I once, perhaps twice, viewed the 1964 sci-fi sleigh wreck Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. 

And like many, so many, of the movies featured on MST3K, the magic lay in the lampooning by two smartass robots and one dopey human. Without the Satellite of Love trio aboard to help it along, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians had no legs, green or otherwise, to stand on. This is a movie so bad that it’s become legend. 

So when Attic Salt Theatre Co. announced a stage production of the same name as its offering in Asheville’s bounty of Yuletide theater offerings, I wondered how such a bomb would, well, play.

Fortunately, director and playwright Rodney Smith saved us all a lot of potential pain and retooled the film’s vacuous script into a wacky, off-color farce that’s all set to carry the torch as this year’s wildly inappropriate Christmas miracle.

“I promise you that, no matter what you think of this show, it is better than the original,” Smith told the audience on opening night, and he sympathized with those who have already been a little over-nogged this season. “This is a show for adults who don’t want to see another Christmas show.”

To clarify: this is a show where Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has a bad cocaine habit — or had one before the walrus attack; where Ms. Claus, née Candi (Lauren Powers), is a famewhore with a storied but torrid showbiz history; where elves have names like Drano and Wanky, the latter causing repeated slipping hazards. This is not a play for the little ones, and fans of The Magnetic Theater’s sorely-missed Bernstein Family Christmas will feel right at home, especially with a couple of Bernstein Family alum in the cast. 

It is, however, a jolly good time, and one that elicited shrieks of laughter from the audience, which ate up every tawdry one-liner, bawdy encounter, and self-aware aside. After the show, Smith admitted to me his devotion to Monty Python and Mel Brooks, and their fingerprints are all over the script. There is very little off-limits here, and the irreverence runs deep.

In terms of plot, there’s no need to dive too deep: in the throes of royal intrigue and social change, Mars decides that it’s in need of Christmas and plots to kidnap Santa. But the meat (haha) of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians isn’t in the plot — it’s all in the delivery, and the cast pulls that off in spades.

The cavalcade of Martians bumble and bicker, trying their best not to botch the mission despite the bungling of Dropo (Carly “Goober” Berdine) and the undermining villainy of Voldar (Scott Fisher). Earthling children Billy (Elias Hamilton) and Betty (Kirby Gibson) are a hilarious team with no patience for Martian hijinks. And then there is Santa himself (Darren Marshall), whose stories are as blue as his suit is red. Lest you wonder if there are puppets involved: of course there are, as well as a cardboard-box killer robot named TORG (billed only as “himself”), that Candi Claus quickly repurposes as a special toy of her own.

Like TORG’s repurposed costume, the stage production is appropriately lo-fi — the set, courtesy of stage manager Nichole Sumpter, remains true to the original movie’s aesthetic, held together mostly with cardboard, aluminum foil, and plastic sheets, and lighting by Rachel Cort adds to the bizarre visages of our Martian friends.

It is best not to go into Santa Claus Conquers the Martians looking for a big message or life lesson. But in case you do need one, search no farther than this line from Santa as he reigns victorious over the Martian hooliganary while spreading Christmas joy to Mars: “Santa does not suffer fools! And most of all, Santa is not a pussy!”

In a year with many holiday productions to choose from, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians offers up no-holds-barred laughs. And you can put it squarely on the naughty list. 

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians runs Thursdays-Sundays through Dec. 24 at Attic Salt Theatre Co. For details and tickets, visit atticsalt.org.

(Photo by Rodney Smith)